I know it’s been a while since I first posted but after my last post it really took its toll on me. Seeing my thoughts there in text just rang home to me on how much I love my child and want to protect them but also made me feel inadequate as I didn’t know the answers to my endless list of questions. So, it’s with a heavy heart that I have come back again.
Since September 2015 we’ve managed to start the whole college lifestyle and although day one was possibly the most awful day I’ve ever experienced as an autism parent I cannot begin to contemplate how Alg must have felt. Since then we’ve had the usual roller coaster ride of ups and downs and continue to battle with others for just a smidging of understanding as to how this god awful (and please excuse my language) fucking disability, dictates our family and causes so much pain and upset. I guess I’ve learned that I cannot force people to understand and that I just have to do my best to help Alg live a happy life and to try and fit in with the “norm”. But, and this is the most heartbreaking for me, how do I teach Alg to understand? I feel useless, cruel and somewhat of a bully at the moment. Approaching the age of 18 fast and requently receiving invitations to socialise, and don’t get me wrong I am thankful for that I really am, but I’m having to say no because most things just aren’t enough notice for me to prepare Alg and make the necessary arrangements for them to go out and have fun without making it stressful.
I’m sorry, I realise this is just an outlet for me to moan, and I know I must be coming across as a selfish mother and it’s all about me, me, ME! But honestly it’s not, I just sometimes reach a point where I think I will explode if I don’t vent and so my only outlet to do it is here.