ARRGHH!

I know it’s been a while since I first posted but after my last post it really took its toll on me. Seeing my thoughts there in text just rang home to me on how much I love my child and want to protect them but also made me feel inadequate as I didn’t know the answers to my endless list of questions. So, it’s with a heavy heart that I have come back again.

Since September 2015 we’ve managed to start the whole college lifestyle and although day one was possibly the most awful day I’ve ever experienced as an autism parent I cannot begin to contemplate how Alg must have felt. Since then we’ve had the usual roller coaster ride of ups and downs and continue to battle with others for just a smidging of understanding as to how this god awful (and please excuse my language) fucking disability, dictates our family and causes so much pain and upset. I guess I’ve learned that I cannot force people to understand and that I just have to do my best to help Alg live a happy life and to try and fit in with the “norm”. But, and this is the most heartbreaking for me, how do I teach Alg to understand? I feel useless, cruel and somewhat of a bully at the moment. Approaching the age of 18 fast and requently receiving invitations to socialise, and don’t get me wrong I am thankful for that I really am, but I’m having to say no because most things just aren’t enough notice for me to prepare Alg and make the necessary arrangements for them to go out and have fun without making it stressful.

I’m sorry, I realise this is just an outlet for me to moan, and I know I must be coming across as a selfish mother and it’s all about me, me, ME! But honestly it’s not, I just sometimes reach a point where I think I will explode if I don’t vent and so my only outlet to do it is here.

 

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Hello world!

I just want to begin by stating that I mean no offence by using the term Crazy Autistic World! I simply chose this name as a play of words from a song by one of my favourite singer songwriters and as it was already taken, I stuck in the word “autistic” as that is what my rants will be about. I apologise kindheartedly if I upset anyone and would just like to put it out there that it is not meant in a derogatory way 🙂 and as you can probably guess I’m new to this and if I’m brutally honest I have no idea what I’m doing.

For the time being I’d like to remain anonymous, I’m not ashamed in any way for what my life entails but I am conscious of the fact that my words may upset those closest to me. So for now I’d just like to say “hello” 🙂 I’m mum to an unbelievably beautiful, clever, kind, funny, very funny, in fact too funny at times, girl who I will for now call “A Living Ghost” or “Alg” for short and at this present time I am extremely upset, scared and I suppose quite ill in myself with worry for what is about to happen over the coming weeks.

Alg is due to start college in 5 days, which means 5 more days of hell for me, and yes I do actually mean the word hell. My life is hell and I am sick to the back teeth of feeling guilty for wanting to express myself in how I see fit. Alg is 16 and has autism which frustratingly was only diagnosed when she was 14. Did a diagnosis help her? Has it helped us as a family? Has it opened doors to a brighter future? The answer being the same for all, no!, No!, NO!!!!

Now, please don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and would gladly go to prison in order to ensure she is safe, healthy but more importantly happy. And I am in no way feeling sorry for myself for how our lives have been turned upside down because of her autism. She is amazing, I’m very lucky to have her and she is my best friend but in all said and done if I could wave a magic wand and take away her autism, I would not hesitate to do so.

I decided to start this blog as a way for me to vent my anger and frustrations because I feel that I can’t impose my feelings and thoughts on my family and friends, I know they don’t mean it intentionally but I’m not stupid, I know they don’t want to hear it in the same sense that I no longer want to hear them say to me “oh, she’ll be alright” or “don’t worry it will come with time” I’m just at a point in my life where I want others to wake up and realise that Alg needs support from others and will no doubt do so for the rest of her life and that a sympathetic smile from others does not help her in any way.

As predicted, I’m sat here sobbing now, with my eyes streaming and I’m unable to see properly what I’m typing so for now I must go, plus I can hear that Alg has finished in the shower so my services are needed elsewhere.

I hope you don’t mind what I’ve written, I hope I haven’t offended you and I hope in the future, that this outlet will be beneficial to me and will help me from actually going crazy.